Why You Should be Saying “No” More and “Sorry” Less
I started 75 Hard. For those of you that don’t know what 75 Hard is, it’s a mental, physical, and emotional mindset challenge. For 75 days I have to drink a gallon of water, have two 45 minute workouts a day (one has to be outside), follow a diet, take photos of myself daily, and read 10 pages in a book. It’s taxing, but so far it’s been so worth it.
Because of this challenge I am really practicing the art of saying “no” more often and saying “sorry” less. This has been huge for me for the last couple years because it has finally helped me find my boundaries in life. I no longer want to do things that don’t fulfill me, serve me, align with my goals, or fill up my cup. Sure, no one wants to do things that take any of this away, however, most of us are living lives without boundaries and doing a bunch of stuff we don’t want to be doing.
I was such a yes person–always, even when my body and mind was yelling “no” so loudly. This is people pleasing to a tee. Looking back, I feel like society, my family, and the time in which I grew up emphasized that it was important for girls and women to just abide and say "yes" to whatever they were asked to do. Now, this makes no sense to me. Meanwhile though, that thinking trickled over into my relationships and trickled over into friendships. Finally, I got to the place where I had my kids, needed to have knee and ankle surgery, a career change, and many other miscellaneous changes. I finally had the lightbulb moment that the relationships that shifted because I stopped saying “yes” to them was a blessing in disguise. It’s not a fun time, when you’re the person that always says “yes” and rarely says “no” to others. When you finally say “no”, it comes as a complete shock to their system.
In the meantime they make it all about them:
“Why are you treating me like this?”
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“We used to be such great friends. Do you not like me anymore?”
Because these people are so used to everything going their way, they begin to deflect and don't know what to do. This tactic always feels horrible when you’re the person now saying no because it makes you feel like you’re letting people down. For me personally, when I said “no” I felt like I wasn’t the sweet and caring person that I have always been. Another limiting belief! My intentions have always been good; I just had a really unhealthy way of setting boundaries. Most of us do, I'd say.
When you initiate boundaries, the ultimate goal is to feel more confident saying no to others (guilt free) and also begin to be more intentional with how you use the word “sorry.” Think about it, when it comes to saying “no,” a lot of times we think we have to ALSO say, “I’m sorry” even though you have nothing to apologize for. Ultimately, we’re scared to hurt people’s feelings. We perceive that others won’t understand, won’t like us, or will talk behind our back if we say “no”. You’re allowed, and in fact it’s empowering, to just tell the truth. By saying I don’t want to, I have other plans, or I’m not interested, you’re not dragging people along.
Say you get invited to a birthday dinner. And maybe you already have plans, or you simply just don’t want to go. Practice (yes practice because chances are this is going to be uncomfortable at first) saying “no thank you for the invitation” instead of this drawn-out explanation of why you don’t want to go. You don’t have to be sorry to say “no.” In my experience, this has been so freeing. I even told friends “No I’m sorry this is something I don’t want to do.” No, take the sorry out. “I just don’t want to do that” or “I’m not interested in doing that.”
This has been so freeing for me, and I know it can be and will be freeing for you too! Have I lost friends along the way? Yes. Have relationships in my family changed? Yes. However, and this is the real kicker, am I happier now? BIG YES. Because my boundaries are in place, everything else has followed suit. When someone asks me to do something, meet a friend, go to a work event, or meet a family member, I make a decision whether I can commit or not and I stick to my decision about it.
Saying No More:
Cultivates more time to do what you actually want to do
Creates more energy because you’re not drained by others or things
Empowers you to trust your intuition
Adds new levels of quality to your life
Saying Sorry Less:
Gives people the opportunity to respect you on a new level
Tells people the truth rather than little white lies
Holds the value when you actually need to apologize to someone
Heals the perfectionist inside of you
As women, we can do anything we put our minds to, we just have to own what we’re doing. Will we still make mistakes? Definitely. Will we still have to say “sorry” one day? Most definitely.
During this process I have learned to own up and apologize for the mistakes I do make, not focus on making others more comfortable than I am myself, and speak my truth kindly. And remember, saying sorry is not just meant for your friends or spouse, it’s meant for your kids too! Saying no and lessening the amount of times you apologize may take time, but I promise you it does get easier the more you try.
